The First Rule of Conflict Resolution

I have recently been dealing with the stumblings of a colleague with regard to his manner of dealing with conflict. The circumstances of the conflict are irrelevant, as they always are. Allow me to explain. Conflict is bound to happen. I think it has something to do with man being a social animal. The conflict, from my perspective, occurs because the autonomy of the individual--I guess you could say the individual's solitude or oneness or ego--anyway, the individual with personal desires and personal ambitions and personal space issues comes in contact with other individuals, all with similar desires, ambitions, and space issues. The group of individuals actually benefit from being in contact with each other, but their personal desires and such are now bumping against the personal desires of others. That is what causes conflict and, consequently leads to the first rule of conflict resolution:

Don't make the conflict personal.

We have to recognize that the conflict is made up of a matter of circumstances that seem to be at odds. Therefore, the best way to resolve the conflict is to examine the circumstances and to consider how they might best be resolved. However, the conflict becomes more complicated when the persons involved choose to make the conflict a matter of personal pride, personal dignity, personal hurt. One can always tell when this happens because people begin to make accusations: "But you said...;" "You have never liked me;" "I was forced to act..." The people involved in the conflict want to blame somebody. They want to absolve themselves of all responsibility. They want to win and that means somebody else has to lose.

Conflicts are not sporting events, although sporting events are made of conflict. Indeed, if most people stopped thinking about their personal gain or loss before the conflict occurs, there would be less conflict. People would then base their actions on the integrity of the moment, on the more mutually beneficial way to act.

A good practice in training one's self to deal with conflict in line with the first rule of conflict resolution is to practice writing and talking without using personal pronouns or names. This practice gives communication an academic tone, and an academic tone is more objective, open to hearing the facts before passing judgment. In contrast, when people make a conflict personal, they pass judgment before considering the facts. The conflict is made complicated by personal prejudice.

Practice the first rule of conflict resolution. Don't make it personal

The Insanity of American High Schools

I apologize that I am not interested in accuracy, but I recall that Albert Einstein once said that if we continue to do as we have always done but expect different results, then we are insane. That, ladies and gentlemen, defines the problem with American high schools clearly.

Schools never did look to engage students in learning. Education has always been something that is done to the student. Schools discourage curiosity, questioning, thinking. Schools reward unquestioning conformity and mindless parroting. Our best and brightest are the ones who conform the most and think the least.

All efforts to educate students in the traditional American high school result in making students dependent on teachers for their learning, in allowing students to remain immature and prejudice in their thinking, in upholding all that stands in contrast to learning. And we do this with pride!

Something has got to change!

We have enabled our students to be ugly in their thinking and repulsive in their learning. People take pride in not reading. A colleague of mine--an English teacher, by God!--once admitted to me that he had read only one book in his entire life. How in name of humanity can a person go through life without knowing the joy of reading?

Some of the greatest books I have ever read have transformed my thinking, have inspired me to make a difference in my living, have made me proud of my humanity. Most importantly, my reading has made me independent of my teachers. I am not dependent on them for my learning, and that is a testimony to the good that my teachers have done. They did not want me to be dependent on them. The mark of a great teacher is that he or she becomes increasingly unnecessary. For a teacher to believe that no learning occurs without his or her being present is the ultimate self-indulgence and self-pride.

I am so very frustrated with stupid people and their damn pride in their stupidity. And I am more so frustrated with our schools' contributing to the stupidity.

When will it all end?

The Learning Perspective Revisited

Okay...I'm back...because I have something to say.

The American people have lost their way. Their thinking is askew, and the craziness of the epidemic is best summarized by the now popular statement, "Perception is reality." This statement is false. It would be better stated, "Perception is the illusion of reality."

To say that perception is reality is to say that what one thinks defines his world. There is validity in this statement to an extent, but I want to focus on the limits of this thinking. Taken to an extreme, if I perceive that a dog is really a monkey, then I am a fool. Still, perception is reality. That dog is a monkey in my world.

In a more realistic light, perceiving that a person loves you does not make that person love you. Perceiving that drilling in the Gulf of Mexico is a good idea does not make it a good idea. Basing one's decisions on perception keeps one from considering the facts related to the concept, keeps one from realizing the truth.

Consider a continuum of truth. To one far end is what is referred to as absolute truth. I have a difficult time providing an example of absolute truth. Nevertheless, I believe that it is a concept that helps us to consider degrees of truth and helps us to place concepts along the continuum. Somewhere in near the middle of the continuum is opinion--based on truth but not completely grounded in truth. Perhaps somewhere a little further down the continuum is belief, a little less founded on truth but still drawn from truth. Then to the far other end is perception. In other words, I place perception as far from absolute truth as it can possibly get. This does not mean that perception is the opposite of truth, because the entire continuum is founded on degrees of truth. However, perception is a long way from truth and, I suggest, a long way from reality.

What I have just done is drawn a connection between reality and truth. This could be further stated as what is truth is reality. What is not true is not reality. The legerdemain of a magician is not reality. It is all a hoax and we take pleasure in being fooled. (I suggest that being fooled is the process of becoming a fool. Funny that we delight in that, isn't it?) In reality, there is much about our culture that is founded upon our being fooled, upon our being mislead by our perception, upon our escaping reality. I think we would all agree with this, as we love movies and novels and games and so much more that helps us to escape the reality. But we don't like being called fools. But we are sometimes.

The bottom line is that perception is not reality. Reality is truth. Only through seeking the facts that underlie a real understanding of any concept will we be able to understand the reality of the concept. The curious thing is that understanding the reality will alter our perception. Indeed, I would suggest that perception is far more influenced by truth and reality than truth and reality are influenced by perception.

By the way...Those of you with the Chinese characters leaving comments...Who are you? Can you leave comments in English so that I may know what you are saying? I apologize for being so very limited in my understanding of language, but I long to know what you are saying.

This Is the End

I started the year with some false sense of renewed virtues. I thought I might goad myself into writing more and perhaps accomplishing something. But it does not look likely.

I'm tired and very busy. Therefore, I quit. This blog is ended.

Perhaps I'll start another blog someday. Thank you to those of you who took the time to read.

Goodbye

There Never Was Any Bob Dylan

As I walked from the store into the parking lot, I heard the faint but clear sounds of "Like a Rolling Stone" from off to my left. I looked over to see some guy sitting in a Dodge minivan, his head thrown back against the head rest and his arm dangling out the window, a line of white smoke running up his forearm from the cigarette in his hand. And there it was: "You've gone to the finest schools, all right Miss Lonely, but you know you only used to get juiced in it." It made me smile. I loved Dylan and I was happy to know someone else enjoyed the music as well.

I kept walking across the lot to my car. I made sure to turn off the radio as soon as I turned the key. I didn't want radio music to knock Dylan out of my head. As I drove off I sang as much of "Like a Rolling Stone" as I could remember. Then I launched into "Queen Jane Approximately," but as I sang I could hear The Grateful Dead in my mind, and I could see my fingers forming the chords on a guitar. I stopped singing and thought about other Dylan songs that I had played and enjoyed over the years. The bass line of "Everything Is Broken" started through my mind and I thought about his album, "Time Out of Mind."

Dylan has stood the test of time, not only having created a long list of songs in the early days of his career that will remain fresh forever, but also having continued to write songs that are poetic and interesting. Even if his voice is shot.

More to come....

2010--Year Two

A quick review of the past year shows that I made 35 postings to this blog. That is less than one per week. (Yes, I am an Einstein.) I had hoped that I would have been more prolific, although I'm uncertain as to why. I have my doubts that more than a handful of people have ever read anything that I've posted. This is an important point to consider: Why does one bother to write at all? Is it for those who may read what has been written? Or does one write for some other reason?

I used to be an English teacher--and believe that I still am in many ways. That is to say, I am still concerned with the way people speak and the way people write. I wince at the damage that is done to our language by the casual concern most people give to communication. I cannot send a text message with misspelled words and inappropriate grammatical structures--although I may, from time to time, make a mistake when in a hurry. I still enjoy reading what I consider good prose and good poetry. (Let's face it, what one considers good prose or good poetry is largely subjective, in spite of anyone being able to argue his case with logic or gusto.) I still want people to improve the way they talk and write, and I desperately want everyone to find the real pleasure in reading that comes from finding a book that speaks to you. I am still an English teacher, in that respect.

Anyway, as an English teacher, I once read that some author stated that a person writes because he has something to say. That should be the only reason for continuing this blog. I do have something to say about education, about teaching, about learning. It really does not matter if anyone bothers to read what I am writing or what I have written. It only matters that I write.

To some, this may seem an absurdity. But what I also understand is that the writing process is one of discovery and of clarification. Through writing--perhaps especially through such free, reflective writing as I am doing now--one works through what he is really thinking and brings order to those thoughts. Discovery and clarification. It may be what Margaret Wheatly referred to in Leadership and the New Science--which is a must read for everyone on the planet--when she made reference to order rising out of what was seemingly chaos.

The bottom line is this. I need to continue the blogging. I need to step up my production of blogging. I need to recognize that I do not have to have something important to say every time, but that I do need to say something, which will invariably be important to me.

THE NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION ==> I will make two postings per week for the entire year of 2010. That will mean that I will have 104 postings added to this blog by the end of 2010. At that time, I will end The Learning Perspective blog. I will make my postings on Tuesdays and Saturdays. Ideally, the Tuesday posting will be on a topic from my readings and experiences and the Saturday posting will be purely reflective. Don't hold me to that.

Sounds like a challenge. I hope someone out there will come along for the ride.

Ten Truths about Conflict Resolution

Conflict resolution is a skill that everyone needs. It is also a skill that can always be improved. However, colleges and universities do not teach conflict resolution to new teachers. New teachers are woefully ill-prepared to talk with an angry parent or to resolve any but the simplest conflict. Because conflict resolution skills are considered soft skills, many educators and many people in general underestimate the need to develop these skills, scoff at the suggestion that they need to develop these skills, and reject all efforts to improve these skills. These same people most often exhibit the exact opposite skills that would result in conflict resolution--entering into debates and arguments when they should be looking for resoluton.

I suggest that there are Ten Truths about Conflict Resolution and that if a person begins by accepting these truths, then that person will move a giant step toward becoming a skilled in conflict resolution.

The Ten Truths about Conflict Resolution are:

1. It is better to talk face-to-face than to talk over the phone. It is better to talk on the phone than to communicate through an email. It is better to communicate through an email than not to communicate at all.
2. When communicating through email, keep the message short and stick to the facts.
3. Meeting with people face-to-face not only helps to resolve conflict but also helps to develop relationships important in resolving future conflicts.
4. Parents have a right to be upset, angry, or frustrated. They want what is best for their children and love their kids. Let an angry parent talk. Let the parent express the emotions for a few minutes. Not only will the parent unburden himself of the frustration, but you will also be able to identify the problem.
5. Find the facts. When an angry parent calls, the problem may be wrapped in many layers of emotion. Listen carefully for the real problem.
6. You are the professional, the calm voice in the meeting. Remain calm and listen carefully. Identify the issue and when you have the opportunity to speak, restate the problem as you understand it. This will let the other person know that you are listening.
7. Take notes. It will help you to stay focused.
8. Be proactive. If a teacher has had a problem with a student during the day, the teacher should call the parent at the earliest convenience. The parent is more likely to believe the first story that he/she hears, and if that happens to be the story that the student tells, it will be more difficult for the teacher to convince the parent otherwise.
9. Invite the parent or other person to provide a solution. Ask the other person what he or she would like to see happen to resolve the issue. This does not mean that what that person proposes will be the solution, but it again communicates that you are willing to listen and to work toward a resolution that both can agree to.
10. It is not about winning. It is about resolving the issue.